A World Of No
by Calluna1
Summary: Spoof Buffy episode. Spike is doing well, and the Scooby gang are doing badly. But the real question is: who is Joss Whedon?


A W O R L D O F N O  
  
by Calluna  
  
Disclaimer: these characters are not mine. They belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy and Twentieth Century Fox.  
  
Spoilers: this episode follows on from Once More With Feeling.  
  
Classification: PG 13.  
  
Distribution: If you want it, please email to let me know where it's going,  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Back of the Magic Shop  
  
Willow and Tara are sitting in silence, Tara stony-faced, Willow unhappy. Anya is behind the counter. Xander comes in.  
  
Xander: Hi, sweetie. Hi. You two look cheerful. Where's Buffy?  
  
Willow: She's training with Giles.  
  
Buffy and Giles come in from the back room.  
  
Buffy: No, she's not, we've finished. Hi, Xander.  
  
Xander: Buffy, there's something odd going on over the other side of town. Some guys were telling me about it last night.  
  
Buffy: What's the story?  
  
Xander: There's a building site just off High Street, and they've been having burglaries and all their tools and equipment stolen, over and over again.   
  
Giles: It doesn't really sound like a problem for us, Xander. We're not the police force.  
  
Xander: Wait. I haven't finished yet. They decided to get a night watchman to protect the site. They've had six watchmen in six weeks.  
  
Willow: Did they die?  
  
Xander: No, but they left, and they were all terrified, and none of them would talk about it. One of them just said something to a friend of his, something about 'bumpy faces'. And now nobody will take the job as night watchman there.  
  
Giles: I see. Well, there may be something in it.  
  
Buffy: It's odd though. What would vamps want with a lot of workmen's tools?  
  
Willow: Same thing as ordinary burglars, I suppose. They'll just steal anything and sell it to get money.  
  
Anya: They might want tools for themselves. I mean, burglary is a very risky and precarious job. Burglars probably can't afford to employ workmen to improve their homes, they'll have to do it themselves.  
  
Giles: Yes, well, we should perhaps check it out. Buffy?  
  
Buffy: I'll take a look at it tonight. It'll make a change from patrolling that graveyard.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Street in Sunnydale  
  
Night. Buffy is walking along. Someone takes her hand. She turns to find Spike, snatches her hand away.  
  
Spike: What's up? I thought . . .  
  
Buffy: You thought what?  
  
Spike: I seem to remember you were reacting differently last time we met.  
  
Buffy: I told you at the time, it wasn't real. It was just part of that spooky song-and-dance business.  
  
Spike: So you didn't mean it?  
  
Buffy: Certainly not. Everything's back to normal now.  
  
She walks on. Spike accompanies her.  
  
Spike: And 'normal' would be that you detest me?  
  
Buffy: Got it in one.  
  
Spike: Why?  
  
Buffy: You're a vampire.  
  
Spike: I'm not an ordinary vampire. I'm different.  
  
Buffy: How?  
  
Spike: Thing is, the character of a vampire is determined by his character in life. But it's overlaid by the innate viciousness of a vampire, and the more he kills, the more vicious he gets, so that often there's nothing else, like all those louts you stake in the graveyard.  
  
Buffy: But you're different?  
  
Spike: Yes. Since I've had this chip in my head, I haven't been able to kill anyone. So the vampire viciousness is dying away and leaving the real me.  
  
Buffy: How do you know all this?  
  
Spike: Joss Whedon told me.  
Buffy: Who's Joss Whedon?  
  
Spike (in a panic, realising he's just said what he wasn't supposed to): Oh, er, he's just, er, some guy I met when I broke into Twentieth Century Fox to steal the blood.  
  
Buffy: Do they have any?  
  
Spike (in disgust): No. It's all bloody tomato ketchup, would you believe. Some people have no respect for authenticity.  
  
They walk on in silence for a while.  
  
Spike: So how come you're not patrolling, Night off?  
  
Buffy: I am patrolling. I'm just checking out a new place.  
  
They arrive at a tall fence. Beside a notice with details of a construction company is another, hand-printed, 'Night Watchman Needed'.  
  
Buffy: I guess this is it.  
  
Spike (incredulously): A building site?  
  
Buffy: You know, I really don't need your company.  
  
She climbs effortlessly over the fence. Spike waits a while, then follows. He remains by the fence, hiding and watching. Buffy prowls about the site. After a while, a group of vampires enters by smashing through the fence, and begin collecting things. Buffy fights them and stakes two. The rest run off.  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Buffy's House  
  
Morning. Buffy picks up the mail, and opens and reads what is evidently a disagreable letter. Dawn comes downstairs. Buffy is holding the letter and gazing into vacancy.  
  
Dawn: What's up?  
  
Buffy: The bank. They're threatening to foreclose on us.  
  
Dawn: Huh?  
  
Buffy: Dawn, we have no money. We can't pay the mortgage. The bank want to turn us out of the house, and if they do, I'll lose you.  
  
Dawn: What can we do?  
  
Buffy: Dunno. I'll ask Giles.  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
The Magic Shop  
  
Giles and Anya at work. Buffy comes in.  
  
Giles: Ah, Buffy. How did it go last night?  
  
Buffy: What? Oh, they were vamps. I staked a couple. But Giles, I'm in big trouble, look.  
  
She gives him the letter.  
  
Giles: Yes, I see. You could lose the house.  
  
Buffy: It's worse than that. I could lose Dawn. They'd cancel my custody order if I had no home.  
  
Giles: You'll perhaps have to move to somewhere less expensive. I'm sure you can work something out.  
  
Buffy: Giles!  
  
Giles: Buffy, this may seem unkind, but I'm going back to England. You have to learn to solve your own problems, and you'll never do that as long as you can bring them all to me.  
  
Buffy: You're leaving?  
  
Giles: Yes. Anya is taking over the shop, and I've given notice to quit my apartment. I shall be gone within a few days.  
  
Anya (who has been reading the letter): Giles, the Council pay you as a Watcher, don't they?   
  
Giles: Yes.  
  
Anya: Why don't they pay Buffy too?  
  
Buffy: Yeah, why don't they pay me? I do all the work.  
  
Giles: I suppose they should really. It's just never arisen. Slayers don't normally . . . er . .  
  
Buffy: Last long enough to need paying?  
  
Giles: Er, quite.  
  
Buffy: If they paid me, everything would be okay. The house. Dawn.  
  
Giles: I'll tell you what. I'll have a word with the Council when I get to England, see if I can fix something up.  
  
Buffy: Okay, thanks. I should be able to stall them that long. Giles, is it true that a vampire's character reflects the sort of person he was in life?  
  
Giles: Yes, I believe so. Think of Angel. In life Liam was a drunken lout with no moral sense but perfectly happy with himself and his way of life. And that's just what Angelus was like as a vampire. But there's a special viciousness in vampires, and in most cases it completely takes over and obscures any individual character.  
  
Buffy: Yeah, that's what Spike said.  
  
Giles: How did he know?  
  
Buffy: Joss Whedon told him.  
  
Giles: Who's Joss Whedon?  
  
Buffy: Some guy at Twentieth Century Fox. I think Spike said he was in charge of the tomato ketchup.  
  
Giles: Really? How extraordinary.  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Sunnydale College  
  
Willow and Tara meet on campus.  
  
Willow: Hey.  
  
Tara: Willow, I've arranged to move back into a College room.  
  
Willow: You're leaving me?  
  
Tara: I'm sorry, Willow, but I have to. I can't trust you not to mess with my mind.  
  
Willow: Tara, I didn't mean to hurt you. I wanted you not to be hurt. I wanted us to be happy together. I love you.  
  
Tara: I love you too, Willow, and I don't want to hurt you, but I have to protect myself. You have so much power, but you haven't learnt to control it.  
  
Willow: I want to use my power - but for good, not to hurt anyone.  
  
Tara: Willow, if someone altered your mind in any way by magic, wouldn't you think you'd been harmed?  
  
Willow: But, I . . . Well, maybe. I don't know.  
  
Tara: We don't have to fall out, but if we separate for a while, maybe you'll have chance to think about it more clearly.  
  
Willow: Okay. But I'll still see you around?  
  
Tara: Sure.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Sunnydale Cemetery  
  
Night. Buffy, on patrol, meets Spike lounging against a gravestone, smoking.  
  
Spike: Nice work last night, slayer. Just a shame most of them got away.  
  
Buffy: I really don't need you to review my performance.  
  
Spike: I guess the owners of the building site will do that. They won't be very impressed. Particularly as it doesn't look like they'll get any of their property back.  
  
Buffy: What do you mean?  
  
Spike: I asked around. That gang of vampires is working for a criminal organisation that pays them for anything they steal, and then gets rid of the goods a long, long way from here. They'll steal from anywhere, but they generally pick on building sites, because it's easy for them to break in, and there's lots of valuable equipment lying around.  
  
Buffy: Fine. I won't bother with it any more. It's a job for the police, not me.  
  
Spike: But they are vampires, and they're causing a lot of trouble.  
  
Buffy: Not my problem. I'm here to defend people, not property. And I have other things to worry about.  
  
Spike: What?  
  
Buffy: I can't pay the mortgage on the house. The bank want to throw us out.  
  
Spike: (instantly concerned) Anything I can do?  
  
Buffy: Spike, I need money. That's a thing you never have.  
  
Spike: I could get some. I could get a job.  
  
Buffy: Isn't that going to be just a bit difficult, seeing that you can only go out at night?  
  
A vampire appears. Buffy fights and stakes it, then looks around. Spike has gone.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
The Building Site  
  
The manager is just locking the door in the fence by the notices. Spike approaches him.  
  
Spike: Hi.  
  
Manager: Hi.  
  
Spike: You still looking for a night watchman?  
  
Manager: I am, but I'll tell you straight, it's a tough job. We've had a lot of problems here lately.  
  
Spike: I can handle them.  
  
Manager: Have you any experience?  
  
Spike: Sure.  
  
Manager: Okay. You got the job.  
  
He unlocks the door, and they go in.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
The Building Site  
  
Later. Spike is patrolling the site. A group of vampires arrives and attempts to break in. Spike fights them, and they flee, empty-handed.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Vampires' Nest  
  
1st vampire: That new site watchman's different from all the rest.  
  
2nd vampire: Of course he is! Didn't you see his face? He's a vampire!  
  
3rd vampire: Traitor! He should be with us.  
  
1st vampire: No problem. We'll soon fix him.  
  
3rd vampire: How?  
1st vampire: The manager at that site won't know what he's employing, will he? So what do you think he'll do when he finds out?  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
The Magic Shop  
  
Anya in charge of the shop. Buffy and Willow in the back.  
  
Buffy: Willow, I'm so sorry.  
  
Willow: It's okay. We haven't really fallen out, but Tara thinks that if we live separately for a while, it will give us the space and time to work things out. She's not happy about that Wicca spell I did to make her forget that we argued.   
  
Buffy: Maybe she has a point.  
  
Willow: But I want to make use of my power. It seems silly not to, when I have a problem and I can solve it with magic.  
  
Buffy: If I used my slayer power to solve my personal problems, I guess I'd be beating up on all the cashiers and robbing a bank.  
  
Willow: Why would you want to rob a bank?  
  
Buffy: I've got no money, and I may lose the house. You should maybe move back into College like Tara, just in case.  
  
Willow: But what will you do?  
  
Buffy: Dunno. (After a pause) Anya?  
  
Anya: Yes?   
  
Buffy: If Dawn and I were thrown out of the house, could we sleep in that training room at the back?  
  
Anya: That might be a bit difficult.  
  
Buffy: Oh? Why?  
  
Anya: You know I got really interested in researching bunnies, and there's not that much demand for magic supplies, so I thought it might be useful to diversify . . .   
  
She opens the door to the back room. It is completely filled with rabbits, pens, hutches, food, etc.  
  
Anya: So I'm gonna sell bunnies.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
The Building Site  
  
Nightfall. The Manager is leaving, and Spike taking over.  
  
Manager: Any problems last night?  
  
Spike: Nothing I couldn't handle.  
  
Manager: Keep it up. See you later.  
  
The Manager leaves and sets off down the street. He has not gone far when he is waylaid by two scruffy-looking men.  
  
1st man: Word is, you've got a new night watchman.  
  
Manager: So? What's it to you?  
  
1st man: Nothing, pal. I'm just here to help you, cause I guess you have no idea what you're employing.  
  
Manager: What?  
  
1st man: Just watch him. Watch his face. You'll soon see.  
  
The men leave, and are seen receiving payment from a vampire. The manager reflects for a while, then returns to the site, quietly letting himself in and watching from a concealed place. He sees Spike beating up on vampires who try to break in, going into vamp face in the process. Unnoticed, the manager quietly lets himself out again.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
The Magic Shop  
  
Anya in charge. Willow reading at the back. Giles comes in.  
  
Giles: Hi, Anya. Everything okay?  
  
Anya: Yeah, fine.  
  
Giles: Hi, Willow. That's not Heathcote-Avery on Vampiricism, is it?  
  
Willow: No, this is the new Wicca book. Heathcote-Avery's over there.  
  
Giles: Oh, yes. Thanks.  
  
Willow: Are you researching something?  
  
Giles: Not really, but I wanted to check up, just out of interest, on something Buffy mentioned the other day, a theory of Joss Whedon's.  
  
Willow: Who's Joss Whedon?  
  
Giles: I understand he's employed at Twentieth Century Fox, on the catering side, but he's very well informed. He said that a vampire's character reflects the character of the person in life, and that's true, but normally vampiric viciousness takes complete control of the creature's mind.  
  
Willow: It certainly does.  
  
Giles: Yes, but I seem to remember . . .(leafing through the book) that there have been cases where . . . ah, yes, here it is. (Reading) Yes, just as I thought. Vampires have been captured and kept alive, but obviously prevented from killing, and their viciousness then gradually died away, leaving, apparently, people much like the original living individuals, precisely in accordance with Whedon's theory.  
  
Willow: (thoughtfully, working it out) So, a vampire who can't kill, like Spike for example . . .  
  
Giles: Exactly. He will gradually revert to what he was in life, whatever that was.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
The Building Site  
  
The first streaks of dawn are in the sky, and Spike is locking up to go home. The Manager comes up behind him.  
  
Spike: God, you're early.  
  
Manager: I just came for a word with you. How'd you get on last night?  
  
Spike: Quiet night. Boring really. They've got the message, and they're going elsewhere.  
  
Manager: I got a message too - about you.  
  
Spike (warily): Oh, yes? And what would that be?  
  
Manager: I was told that I didn't know what I was employing, and that I should check up. So I did.  
  
Spike: And?  
  
Manager: And I saw what they meant. I also saw you beating hell out of anybody who tried to rob this site. You've been here a week, and in that week we've not lost one item.  
  
Spike: You're going to keep me on? In spite of . . .  
  
Manager: Listen, buddy. I don't give a cuss who you are or what you are or what you do in your spare time, and I don't expect every man on this site to be a saint. As long as you do the job, that's all that matters to me.  
  
Spike: Fine. Thanks.  
  
He turns to go.  
  
Manager: Oh, er . . .  
  
Spike: Yes?  
  
Manager: I guess it won't be convenient for you to get your pay from the cashier here in daytime. Do you have a bank account?  
  
Spike: No.  
  
Manager: Get one, and I'll have your wages paid straight into it.  
  
Spike: Thanks. Thanks very much.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Room in a Bank in Sunnydale  
  
Spike and a bank official.  
  
Bank official: That's fine, Mr. Gaunt. No problem at all. Now where should I send the documentation?  
  
Spike, Oh, er, could you post it to my employers, please.  
  
Bank official: Certainly. You don't yet have a permanent address in Sunnydale?  
  
Spike: No, not yet.  
  
Bank official: If you're thinking of making a purchase, we can offer some very competitive mortgage rates.  
  
Spike: You think I could pay a mortgage out of my wages?  
  
Bank Official: No reason why not, if you choose sensibly.  
  
Spike gets out his cigarettes, and prepares to light one.  
  
Bank official: Do you smoke many of those?  
  
Spike: Quite a few.  
  
Bank official: You might consider giving them up. The money you'd save would go a long way towards your mortgage repayments.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Another Room in the same Bank  
  
Buffy with another bank official.  
  
Buffy: If you could just give me a bit more time.  
  
2nd bank official: Miss Summers, we have already given you a great deal of time.  
  
Buffy: But you know I've had problems lately.  
  
2nd bank official: I'm aware of that, but we can't make exceptions to the rules. It wouldn't be fair to other customers. If you can't afford to live in that house, you should really move out of it as soon as possible, before things get worse.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Sunnydale Cemetery  
  
Buffy, in a towering rage, is patrolling, beating up and staking vampires with unexampled ferocity. Spike appears.  
  
Spike: Hey. What's eating you?  
  
Buffy: What do you want?  
  
Spike: You've still got problems, haven't you?  
  
Buffy: What's it to you?  
  
Spike: I can help you.  
  
Buffy: I don't want your help.  
  
Spike: Don't be stupid. I . . .  
  
Buffy: Don't call me stupid. I don't want your help, and I don't want your company. Just stay away from me, and . . .  
  
Neither has noticed three vampires stealthily creeping up on them. One grabs Buffy from behind and holds her while the second hits her. The third tackles Spike. Buffy has sustained several blows before she can free herself and fight them. This circumstance enrages her even further.  
  
Buffy (furiously): That's where your help gets me!  
  
Spike: Look, Buffy, you're being quite unreasonable. Please listen.  
  
Buffy (taking out her stake and advancing on him menacingly): If you don't get away from me now, you're not going to have a second chance.  
  
Spike: It's not very sporting to attack me when you know I can't hit back.  
  
Buffy: This isn't sport. It's vermin control.  
  
Backing off from her, he trips over a gravestone and falls. Buffy looks at him with derision, then walks away.  
Spike slowly gets to his feet. His face is expressionless, but he has turned white.  
  
Spike: Fine. If that's the way you want it.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Buffy's House  
  
Morning. Buffy, Willow and Dawn talking.  
  
Willow: There are no spare rooms in College at all. It's the middle of term, and you know they always have more students than they can accommodate.  
  
Buffy: But Tara got a room.  
  
Willow: I mentioned that, but they said that was the very last one they had, and even that was only a temporary vacancy because a student was away.  
  
Buffy: Maybe you should go back home.  
  
Willow: No, I'm not doing that. I'll stick with you.  
  
Dawn: Can't we hang on here? They haven't absolutely thrown us out yet.  
  
Buffy: If we wait for that, they'll come with an order cancelling my custody and taking you into care. If we want to stick together, we have to go now.  
  
Willow: But where can we go?  
  
Buffy: We'll try Xander and Anya. They'll probably be able to put us up for a while.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
The Magic Shop  
  
Anya in charge. Giles, with suitcases, just leaving.  
  
Anya: You're not going to wait and say goodbye to Buffy?  
  
Giles: I think it would be too traumatic for both of us. It's better for me just to leave quietly. I'll be in touch, though. You've got the Council's number in England if anyone wants me. And tell Buffy I'll enquire about a salary for her.  
  
Anya: Okay. Have a good journey.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Spike's Crypt  
  
Spike is talking on his mobile phone.  
  
Spike: Yes, that sounds ideal. I'll take a look at it. What's the address? . . . What? . . You're sure that house is on the market? . . .Oh. Repossessed. . . . And that's why it's a bargain price? . . . I see. Fine, I'll buy it. . . . No, I don't need to view it, and I don't need a survey. I know the property. You've got all my details. Just sort out the paperwork and let me know when I can move in.  
  
Finishing the call, he gets out his cigarettes, then changes his mind, and puts them away again.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Xander's Flat  
  
Buffy and Willow are in residence. Xander comes in.  
  
Willow: Xander? I thought you were at work.  
  
Buffy: Is something wrong?  
  
Xander: I'm a bit shell-shocked. Anya got seriously mad at me.  
  
Buffy: Why?  
  
Xander: You know that building site where they were having all the trouble with vampires thieving?  
  
Buffy: Yes.  
  
Xander: Well, Spike took on the job of night watchman there, and he's doing such a good job that all the vampires on the stolen tools racket have learned to leave the place alone and go elsewhere. Guess what? They came to the site where I and my men were working and stole all our stuff. They'd broken in last night. When we got there this morning, we had nothing to work with.  
  
Willow: Oh, Xander, that's terrible. But I guess the insurance will pay for it.  
  
Xander: I don't actually have any insurance. That's what really annoyed Anya. I called at the shop to explain and see if she could help me.  
  
Buffy: And wouldn't she?  
  
Xander: No. She says she's spent a lot of money on the shop lately, and she's not gonna start supporting me.  
  
Buffy: She has been branching out. Bunnies, guinea pigs . . .  
  
Xander: There are even birds in there now. There was a parrot in a cage right by the door, and I was just leaving, and it said 'Who's a pretty boy then?'.  
  
Willow: What did you say?  
  
Xander: I didn't say anything. I just strangled it.  
  
Buffy: What did Anya say?  
  
Xander: I can't remember her exact words, but as I left, she was doing a very creditable imitation of a vengeance demon.  
  
Willow: Hey, I wonder if ex-demons eventually revert to their previous characters, like Joss Whedon says vampires do.  
  
Xander: Who's Joss Whedon?  
  
Willow: Some guy who works in the cafeteria at Twentieth Century Fox.  
  
Xander: Well, I don't know if Anya has really become a demon again, but she did make it clear that she would be acting like one if I, or my friends, were here when she gets home.  
  
Willow: We have to leave?  
  
Xander: I'm afraid so.  
  
Willow: But where can we go?  
  
Buffy: We'll have to go to the crypt. Spike did offer to help, but I was so mad at the time, I just yelled at him.  
  
Willow: Never mind. He'll forgive you. He always does.  
  
Buffy: Let's hope so. We'd better start packing. We'll pick up Dawn from school on the way.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
The Crypt  
  
Buffy, Willow, Xander and Dawn arrive, dump their possessions and look around. The crypt is otherwise empty.  
  
Buffy: It's funny that he's not here in daytime.  
  
Xander: He must be holed up with some other vampires. Is there a nest somewhere near?  
  
Dawn: I don't think he's far away.  
  
Buffy: Why?  
  
Dawn indicates Spike's cigarettes and lighter, lying on a tomb.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
The Crypt  
  
Morning. Xander and Willow in residence. Buffy comes in.  
  
Buffy: Hey. Did Dawn get off to school all right?  
  
Willow: Yes. Where have you been?  
  
Buffy: I went to ring Giles. I wanted to find out if he could get me that money from the Council.  
  
Xander: Can he?  
  
Buffy: He wasn't there, but I talked to some guy from the Council.  
  
Willow: What did he say?  
  
Buffy: He said 'Do you know what time it is?' I guess they don't get up til mid-morning in England.  
  
Willow: I think the time in England is different, Buffy.  
  
Buffy: Is it? Anyway, he said Giles would explain everything when he arrived.  
  
Xander: Arrived? He only just left!  
  
Buffy: I know, but apparently he's on his way back.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Sunnydale  
  
Later. Buffy, Xander and Willow, strolling through town, meet Tara, carrying a heavy bag.  
  
Willow: Tara? Are you okay?  
  
Tara: Yes, thanks. How are you?  
  
Willow (ironically): Oh, we're doing fine.  
  
Xander: How's life back in College?  
  
Tara: I'm not living in College now. I had to move out. That room was only available temporarily.  
  
Buffy: Do you have a place to go?  
  
Tara: No, and I've no money. My dad won't help me unless I give up Wicca.  
  
Willow: You can't do that.  
  
Buffy: You'd better come and stay with us.  
  
Tara: At the house?  
  
Buffy: No. We lost the house. We're living in Spike's crypt.  
  
Tara: With Spike?  
  
Xander: We haven't actually seen Spike. He's either holed up in some vamp nest somewhere, or he's gone off to live Joss Whedon's theory.  
  
Tara: Who's Joss Whedon?  
  
Xander: Some guy who helps out in the cafeteria at Twentieth Century Fox. He says vampires revert to their original characters if they don't kill for a while.  
  
Tara: I wonder what Spike's original character was.  
  
Xander: I dare say he was the same sort of foul-mouthed lout that he is as a vampire.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Outside Buffy's Former House  
  
Nightfall. Spike comes out, locks the door, and sets off for work. A very glamorous young lady is just passing the house on the sidewalk.  
  
Glamorous young lady: Hey!  
  
Spike turns.  
  
Glamorous young lady: You must be the new neighbour, right? You just moved in?  
  
Spike: Yes, that's right.  
  
Glamorous young lady: I'm Susan Jackson. I live next door.  
  
Spike (extending his hand): William Gaunt. I'm delighted to meet you.  
  
They shake hands.  
  
Susan: I don't generally see much of the neighbours, cause I work nights at the hospital.  
  
Spike: I work nights too. I'm a night watchman on a construction site over the other side of town.  
  
Susan: Why, that's great. We'll be coming and going at the same time.  
  
Spike: I certainly hope so.  
  
Susan: Well, I'll see you around.  
  
Spike: I look forward to it.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Sunnydale Cemetery  
  
Evening. Buffy is patrolling. Giles appears, suitcase in hand.  
  
Buffy: Hey. They told me you were coming back.  
  
Giles: I didn't have much option. The whole trip was a disaster.  
  
Buffy: What happened?  
  
Giles: The Council said that no Watcher had ever before failed in his sacred duty so completely as to abandon his slayer, and that my salary would be stopped with immediate effect as a matter of principle.  
  
Buffy: What about my salary?  
  
Giles: They refuse to pay any, as a matter of principle. The Slayer is supposed to do her job out of pure disinterested devotion to duty.  
  
Buffy: Oh, great!  
  
Giles: The truth is, they've got no money. They invested all their funds in dot com shares, and lost the lot.  
  
Buffy: A matter of principle, huh?  
  
Giles: Quite.  
  
Buffy: Where are you staying?  
  
Giles: I've got nowhere. I'd given up my apartment. Could I sleep on the floor at your place until I get sorted out?  
  
Buffy: Sure. Come on, I'll show you my place.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
The Former Magic Shop  
  
Morning. Giles enters. Anya is behind the counter. There are no magic supplies at all. The shop is completely transformed into a pet shop with cages, hutches, etc., containing bunnies, hamsters, guinea pigs, kittens and puppies. There are tanks of fish, large cages of budgerigars and canaries, and stacks of animal foods of all kinds. In a cage hanging just by the door is a very large and colourful dead parrot.  
  
Anya: Hi. I thought you'd gone to England.  
  
Giles: I came back. You've certainly been making some changes around here.  
  
Anya: Isn't it great? And you should see the accounts. You know, far more people are interested in animals than in magic, so they're far more profitable.  
  
Giles: I suppose so. But there's not much here for me now.  
  
Anya: I can give you a job if you want. I need someone to clean out the bunnies' hutches.  
  
Giles: Thank you, but, er . . . I'm, er, allergic to rabbit fur.  
  
Anya: Okay.  
  
Giles: Anya, do you know this parrot's dead?  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
The Crypt  
  
Buffy, Xander, Willow, Tara and Dawn in residence. Xander is smoking one of Spike's cigarettes. Giles comes in.  
  
Xander: How's Anya?  
  
Giles: Flourishing. But a bit short-tempered. I made a perfectly innocuous remark about a parrot, and she started throwing things at me.  
  
Xander: That's my girl.  
  
Giles: Buffy, I went to enquire about your house, to see if there's any chance of getting it back.  
  
Buffy: Is there?  
  
Giles: I'm afraid not. They sold it immediately. They told me the name of the purchaser,  
and I thought it seemed familiar, so I walked past the house and checked. Buffy, it's Spike.  
  
Buffy: Spike? He's bought my house? How could he?  
  
Giles: Apparently he has a job now.  
  
Willow: Maybe Spike could help us.  
  
Buffy: I guess it's worth a try. We've nobody else to turn to.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Outside Spike's House  
  
Giles, Buffy and the rest are approaching along the sidewalk. They have the sort of scruffy and grubby appearance which is to be expected in persons who are obliged to manage with only the facilities afforded by a crypt.  
  
The door of Spike's house opens, and Susan appears, just leaving, with Spike behind. Spike is immaculately dressed, and his hair has reverted to its original shade of brown. He remains inside the door, out of the direct light.  
  
Susan: I've had a lovely afternoon, William.  
  
Spike: So have I, Susan.  
  
Susan: I never had anyone write poetry about me before. What a lovely word that is - effulgent.  
  
Spike: It describes you perfectly.  
  
Susan: Thank you. I'll see you tomorrow. (Kisses him.) Bye.  
  
Spike: Bye.  
  
Susan leaves, smiling at Buffy and the rest as she passes.  
  
Spike: What do you lot want?  
  
Willow: It's happened, hasn't it, just like Joss Whedon said. You've turned into yourself.  
  
Spike (carefully, not sure how much any of them knows): Er, Joss Whedon?  
  
Tara (helpfully): He does the washing up at Twentieth Century Fox.  
  
Spike: Does he? God, they're ruthless, aren't they? Mind you, he definitely had it coming. From the time he split up Buffy and Angel . . .  
  
Giles: Spike, we need a little help.  
  
Spike: You generally do.  
  
Buffy: But we're in a real mess.  
  
Spike: You usually are.  
  
Xander: We thought you might help us. (He gets out Spike's cigarettes and lights one.)  
  
Spike: Why?  
  
Willow: You always do.  
  
Spike: Yes, and what response do I get?  
  
Silence. They look at one another.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Flashback - Fool For Love  
  
Buffy: It wouldn't be you, Spike. It would never be you. You're beneath me.  
  
Flashback - Spiral  
  
Xander: I mentioned today how much I don't like you?  
  
Flashback - Once More with Feeling  
  
Giles: Spike, when I want your advice . . . I'll never want your advice  
  
Flashback - The Gift  
  
Spike: When you say you love all of us . . .  
  
Giles and Xander (simultaneously): Shut up!  
  
Flashback - Once More with Feeling  
  
Spike: Drink?  
  
Buffy: A world of no.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -   
  
Spike: You know, I just can't think of any reason to help you. And I realise that none of you has anything to do, but I have a house to look after, a relationship to nurture and a job to go to. (He catches sight of Xander smoking.) You know, those things'll kill you. So, if you'll excuse me . . .  
  
He turns to shut the door.  
  
Buffy: Spike!  
  
Spike (turning back towards her): It's William now.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
The Scooby Gang's Crypt  
  
They are sitting dolefully in a circle, sharing the last cigarette by passing it round.  
  
Giles: I just can't understand how we've ended up like this.  
  
Buffy: I can. Spike would have helped us if we'd ever been decent to him.  
  
Willow (near to tears): If we'd ever said thank you for anything.  
  
Xander: If we'd even been civil.  
  
Giles: I suppose you're right. We've brought it all on ourselves. Spike helped us over and over again, and all he got from us was . . .  
  
Buffy: A world of no.  
  
The door opens and Joss Whedon breezes in.  
  
Joss Whedon: Guys, I'm not sure I'm a hundred per cent happy with the way this episode is turning out.  
  
They all look at him in amazement.  
  
Giles: Who the hell are you?  
  
Joss Whedon (importantly): I'm Joss Whedon,  
  
Buffy: Do you imagine we care what the washer-up thinks?  
  
Joss Whedon: The wash . . .! (He is speechless.)  
  
Willow: Let's go and get some fresh air.  
  
Xander: Good idea, Will. Let's go.  
  
They all get up and make for the door.  
  
Joss Whedon: Hey!  
  
He moves in front of Buffy, trying to block the way. She hits him. He sails through the air, crashes into the wall, and slides down to the foot of it. The others walk out without a second glance.  
  
Joss Whedon (left alone in a heap on the floor): Grr-aargh!  
  
  
The End 


End file.
